Bordering the Bourgeoisie
I sit in a common room, the BCC world news playing on not one but two flatscreens, superfluously providing its lone occupant the toppling of Libya’s dictatorship. An issue few other then myself seems concerned with here in Le Science Po.
Science Po is essentially the Harvard of France, with students from every corner of the planet, separated into regional campuses. I live on the Euro-Asian campus so all the students here specialize in some form of asian studies.
I wouldn’t say this campus is weird, more like indicative. Indicative of what wealth and privilege achieves, although when everyone is on the same level of benefit it’s not entirely evident. Not unless you pay closer attention to the nuances, like the passing student who on a whim walks over to the piano in the common room and rattles off an intricate score by heart as a product of his private school tutelage. Or when you inquire just how the Chinese student is familiar with Milwaukee and he reveals “Oh well my dad was looking for a tower to buy and we scanned over your city.”
Fuck me,
Poetry I found whilst perusing
What is it to feel?
To feel outside of unfeeling
what’s not numb but what isn’t even there
drinking to bury and then swallowing to remember
I find solace in a stranger,
then lie to a friend
Is hiding a lie?
I always lie,
I lie to friends, I lie to strangers,
I lie with strangers
I reveal more to whom I don’t know then those I do
Who am I?
We are what we experience
not experienced
then the half truths we had spoken to get there
Am I here?
Can you see me?
If I touch you will I feel something?
I can’t tell if I feel anything
I know I am fading,
it’s blurry and I am pretending to see
Do I look whole?
not seeing the flaws turn to cracks,
falling
Not just pieces anymore but whole chunks
barely put together and hanging by bits of thread
Will I get to feel everything?
before I can’t feel
before I don’t even know what I feel with whom
before I am here but never really here
before I am breathing just because my body tells me to breath
I can barely breathe now
I swear I’m not crazy,
If I feel something real then that means I am still here
I need to still be here.
Empty-Sex: and why it’s suddenly so fucking difficult.
Well congratulations look how modern and hip you are. You have managed to parlay your way into a sex only relationship with an attractive individual. Simple, safe, no questions and all the intimacy you could ever ask for,
aren’t you just pleased as punch.
Well funny how pseudo-intamcy quickly develops into something more, but in your clever arrogance you fancy yourself both above romance and the idea that even IF you were metamorphosing your personal relationship identity that whomever
your tasteful little SWNSAR (Sex-with-No-Strings-Attached-nonRelationship) arrangement is with would of course fall into line of your escalating desires.
If it were only that easy, and life was that fair.
Congradufuckinglations you stupid cunt.
Queer board of achievements (badges coming soon)
As evidenced by girl scouts and X-box we are a generation defined by achievements. So here I present the gay board of achievements, badges soon to be made hopefully. Bonus badges are italicized
1. Coming Out: Big step
2. First Pride: Awesome step. First pridefest attendance
-Queerceañera: First pride after turning 21
3. V-Card played: Losing your virginity
4. Feeling exotic: Ménage à trois/ Three-way
-“Boo, you whore”: Orgy sex with four or more people in a single sitting
5. Gay Shakespeare: Attending First Drag Show
6. Entering the fold: Dressing in Drag
7. Fellatio-fun: First Oral sex
-Securing the Mount: First sex with a strap on
- Buttsex: Sex in the butt.
8. U-Hauling: Moving in with your romantic interest when the relationship is still in it’s infancy.
9. “Gurl make some changes, stupid”: Obtain a Gay/Lesbian/Drag Momma who will tell you how it is.
10. Member’s pass: Hosting a queer night or queer night regulars.
11. “I’ll call you in the morning”: First one night stand
12. Shameless: Having sex in a club or public bathroom
13. TIme-Saver: Sex with shoes on
14. Trolling the Hataz: Actively harassing hate speakers who gettin all up in the face of us homos.
15. Supersonic GayDar: Identifying a gay from 100+ feet away. Bitches be FLAMIN!
16. Pioneer: Taking a V-card
17. Recruiter: Either by dating, sex, or just charity. Pulling them wannabe breeders right out of the closet.
-Toaster: You go down, they come out
18. Gonna lern you: Taking an LGBT studies class.
19. Teamwork: Using a two sided dildo during sex
20. Beastie: Having sex after neither person has taken a shower for a while
21. Full circle: Having passionate sex, followed by crying, followed by a fight, followed by sex, or in any order. Just as long as all emotional cues are hit.
22. Cocktease, Vagina tickle: Build up a reputation as a tease.
23. Home wrecker: Break up a marriage, an engaged couple, or a couple who are living together.
24. Well someone’s gotta leave happy: Exchange sex for money.
-well…: Exchange sex for an alternate form of currency (Booze, weed, etc)
25. Too gay to function: Be considered the token gay in a classroom/workplace/etc.
26. Butch: Own a piece of leather something (pants, bra, jacket)
27. Plutonic Marriage: Have a fag hag, fag stag, entourage of fruit flies.
28. Racially obsessed: Only dates people of a particular race
-BBC Lover : African Descent
- Honkytonk: Caucasian Descent
-Rice Queen : Asian Descent
-Bagel Chaser : Chosen people (Jews)
-Taco Complex : Hispanic
29. Payin’ your dues: volunteer in some way for a non-profit LGBT organization.
30. Local flavor: Have sex with a native of another country
-World traveler: Have sex with a native in 3+ countries.
31. Euphoric: Sex whilst under the influence
- Boozehound: Alchohole
- Rudolph: Cocaine
- Touchy-feely: Ecstacy
- Woodstock: Weed
- Magic carpet: Shrooms/ Acid
- Tweaker: Speed
32. Romanesque: Visited a bathhouse or spa in order to have sex.
33. Size queen: Ended a relationship on the basis of penis/boob /clit size.
34. Lawn mowed: Shaving pubic hair for the first time
-Lolita: Clearing the field entirely
-Bumpy road: Inevitable razorburn.
-Picturesque: So nice it could be framed
35. Brand queen: Refusal to wear anything that is not designer fashion.
36. Holy queer: Spirtual and gay, actively involved in their religious community
37. Lying: Dating someone 10 years younger
38. Hospice: Dating someone 15+ years your senior
39. Gym Bunny: Visit the gym more then 3+ times per week
40. Hot for Teacher: Have sex with an educator (Must have had a class with them at some point)
41. Blue moon: Be a bisexual, dating a bisexual.
42. Gaybie sitter: Gain a gay protege to be taught your ways (you can’t have sex with them)
43. Oscar worthy: Successfully faking an orgasm without getting caught by your lesbian/gay lover.
44. ….Fuck: Waking up next to a stranger/enemy and realizing you had sex
45. ”Kiki you’re yes-ing too hard!”: Pass out while dancing on the dance floor.
46. “Hey….you”: Forgetting the name of the person you just had sex with
47. Sneaky: Slipping 3 finger’s into your partner
-Tight squeeze: 4 fingers
-Black hole: Full fist
48. Weave ruiner: Cum shot to the hair.
49. Closet: Having a non-sex toy non body part enter your body via genetals (Can, marker, etc.)
-Pantry: Food item used.
50. Tits Mcgee: Show your boobs to 15+ individuals within the same setting.
51. Peace Out!: Use being gay as a reason to not attend family/religious events.
52. Cock Block/ Cunt Slap: Successfully ruin your friend’s chance of having sex single -handedly
53. STD of Parties: Be the lone person who wore glitter to a party and successfully get it on every party-goer, piece of furniture, and the road/hallway/staircase leading up to the event.
The Homosexual Agenda
8:00 a.m. Wake up. Wonder where you are.
8:01 a.m. Realize you are lying on 100 percent cotton sheets of at least a 300 count, so don’t panic; you’re not slumming.
8:02 a.m. Realize you are actually in your own bed for a change. Wake stranger next to you and tell them you are late for work so won’t be able to cook breakfast for them. Mutter “sorry” as you help him look for his far-flung underwear. You find out that you tore his boxers while ripping them off him last night, so you “loan” him a pair of boxer-briefs, but not the new ones because you never intend to see him again.
8:05 a.m. Tell the stranger, whose name eludes you, “It was fun. I’ll give you a call,” as you usher him out the door, avoiding his egregious morning-breath.
8:06 a.m. Crumple and dispose of the piece of paper with his telephone number on it when you get to the kitchen.
8:07 a.m. Make a high protein breakfast while watching the Today show. Wonder if the stories you’ve heard about Matt Lauer are true. Decide they must be.
8:30 a.m. Italian or domestic? Decide to go with three-button Italian and the only shirt that is clean.
8:45 a.m. Climb into red Z4 and try not to look too much like Barbie driving one of her accessories as you pull out of your underground parking. Revos or Armanis? Go with Revos.
9:35 a.m. Stroll into office.
9:36 a.m. Close door to office and call best friend and laugh about the guy who spent the night at your condo. Point out something annoying about best friend’s boyfriend but quickly add “It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks, just as long as you love him.”
10:15 a.m. Leave office, telling your secretary you are “meeting with a client.” Pretend not to notice her insubordinate roll of her eyes (or the cloying “poem” she has tacked to her cubicle wall).
10:30 a.m. Hair appointment for lowlights and cut. Purchase of Aveda anti-humectant pomade.
11:30 a.m. Run into personal trainer at gym. Pester him about getting you Human Growth Hormone. Spend 30 minutes talking to friends on your cell phone while using Hammer Strength machines, preparing a mental-matrix of which circuit parties everyone is going to and which are now passe.
12:00pm Tan. Schedule back-waxing in time for Saturday party where you know you will end up shirtless.
12:30 p.m. Pay trainer for anabolic steroids and schedule a workout. Shower, taking ten minutes to knot your tie while you check-out your best friend’s boyfriend undress with the calculation of someone used to wearing a t-back and having dollars stuffed in their crotch.
1:00 p.m. Meet someone for whom you only know his waist, chest and penis size from AOL M4M chat for lunch at a hot, new restaurant. Because the maître d’ recognizes you from a gay bar, you are whisked past the Christian heterosexual couples who have been waiting patiently for a table since 12:30.
2:30 p.m. “Dessert at your place.” Find out, once again, people lie on AOL.
3:33 p.m. Assume complete control of the U.S., state, and local governments (in addition to other nations’ governments); destroy all healthy Christian marriages; recruit all children grades Kindergarten through 12 into your amoral, filthy lifestyle; secure complete control of the media, starting with sitcoms; molest innocent children; give AIDS to as many people as you can; host a pornographic “art” exhibit at your local art museum; and turn people away from Jesus, causing them to burn forever in Hell.
4:10 p.m. Time permitting, bring about the general decline of Western Civilization and look like you are having way too much fun doing it.
4:30 p.m. Take a disco-nap to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest and being so terribly witty.
6:00 p.m. Open a fabulous new bottle of Malbec.
6:47 P.M. Bake Ketamine for weekend. Test recipe.
7:00 P.M. Go to Abercrombie & Fitch and announce in a loud voice, “Over!”
7:40 P.M. Stop looking at the photographic displays at Abercrombie & Fitch and go to a cool store to begin shopping.
8:30 p.m. Light dinner with catty homosexual friends at a restaurant you will be “over” by the time it gets its first review in the local paper.
10:30 p.m. Cocktails at a debauched gay bar, trying to avoid alcoholic queens who can’t navigate a crowd with a lit cigarette in one hand and a Stoli in a cheap plastic cup in the other. Make audible remark about how “trashy” people who still think smoking is acceptable are.
12:00 a.m. “Nightcap at your place.” Find out that people lie in bars, too.
– http://www.bettybowers.com/homoagenda.html
